The best revenge is premature balding
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
