First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
