Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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