It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
