you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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