He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
