I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Randomize