Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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