How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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