i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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