Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
