Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
