Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
