Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
