Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
