You don't have asthma, your pregnant
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
