one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
