my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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