I'm going to jail i love you
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
