I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
