I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
