Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
