ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
