I think I am morally bankrupt
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
