Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
