Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
