You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
