im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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