Umm I'm too high to move.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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