you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
