Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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