I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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