i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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