i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
