I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
