That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize