Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
