So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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