Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize