remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
