I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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