My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
