i wish there were pregnant emoticons
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Please don't give away my fajitas
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
