All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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