After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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