Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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