Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize