The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
