I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
