Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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