I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
When did angry sex become our thing?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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