i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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