i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
