im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
