I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
