The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
