You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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