it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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