I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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