you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
In America we eat man semen.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
