Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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