Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
