I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize