he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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