I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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