I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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