I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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