you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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