i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
